


a dangerous irregular thought pattern

by nately



Category: Life Is Strange (Video Game)
Genre: Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 15:50:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9079327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nately/pseuds/nately
Summary: On your good days, you're strong enough to not think about it.On other days, you tell yourself that you are strong enough to stop. That you will stop. That you did stop.On your bad days, you wish you were strong enough to just end it all.Today was one of those bad days.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [[授权翻译]a dangerous irregular thought pattern](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10211822) by [picketfence](https://archiveofourown.org/users/picketfence/pseuds/picketfence)



> As you may end up realizing, this story is not based, but very reminiscent of 'the repetition kills him'. 
> 
> In my defense, I love writing dark shit.

On your good days, you're strong enough to not think about it.

On other days, you tell yourself that you are strong enough to stop. That you will stop. That you did stop.

On your bad days, you wish you were strong enough to just end it all.

Today was one of those bad days.

\----

He's your teacher. He's kind enough to give you private lessons. He's kind enough to let you in on his secrets.

The least you could do is keep them.

So he spreads your legs on the cold white floor with the same ruthlessness he shows to those drugged girls.

_And you said not a goddamn thing._

\----

You can tell he wants nothing to do with you anymore.

You're just an inconvenience now. No longer a partner in crime and a trusted friend. You're just a child who just happens to know his secrets.

You wonder if that's the case, why didn't he just kill you? He has a gun.

It's jarring for you to experience someone who used to praise you and mentor you all of a sudden push you away. He doesn't want you closer, and you can tell.

One way he does this is yell at everything you do. “You're holding the camera wrong!” He says. “The lighting was terrible." He says.

Then he would shove you by your shoulders and make you take all of him in your mouth. He likes to grab and yank your hair but you don't care. It's mutual because when you spit out his essence, he doesn't care either. The fact that he's still letting you be apart of his intimate life even though he doesn't see you as a human being anymore only reminds you that it's true love.

Lastly, he stopped calling you by your name. You're no longer Nathan. You're now ‘Foolish Kid’, ‘Fuck Up’, or if you're extra lucky, you're ‘Brat’.

You'd normally lash out if someone else called you this, but they way he spoke to you in the past gets to you. Every time he makes you hate yourself only eventually instills a longing to revert back to those days. ‘Maybe, if I'm better next time, he'll pay attention to me again.’ you would tell yourself.

You could only hope.

\----

You messed something up again.

Rachel is dead and he's furious.

Everything comes to a screeching halt in your world. You didn't want to disappoint him **but look at what you've done.**

How can you recover from this? How do you apologize?

You open your mouth but words don't come out.

So instead you apologize with your body. He takes you and you hate it. But it's an apology so it doesn't matter, so why are you making a big deal out of this just let him do what he has to do this is all your fault so suck it up and move on you selfish pig you only think about yourself god it's not a big deal.

You're not hurt, so what's the big deal?

You decide not to dwell on what this way of thinking means.

\----

You look at him and wish you were him.

Not _him_.

But the kid in your science class.

He's clean. He's humble but outspoken. People call him by his name. He's hardworking. He's smart. He's handsome. He impresses. He never messes up.

Everything you're not.

He talks to you first, and it takes everything in you not to strangle him. Not because you want to be left alone. You're just anxious to see him hurt. You want him to feel something bad like you do. He can't be perfect. There has to be something bad about him but no matter how hard you look, you find that all of his imperfections are absolutely gorgeous.

Soon you start to feel butterflies.

Soon you can't even speak around him.

You wonder if he experience these nasty symptoms, too, and if you should be heading to the hospital.

But it's all temporary, like a headache, and only when he's around you. It doesn't make sense and you don't know if it really should anymore.

\----

You like Warren.

You like him because he calls you Nathan.

You like him because he's nice to you.

You like him because he smiles at you.

You wish something could happen, anything.

But eventually, you have to return to the Dark Room. It's your home and you can get homesick easily.

And besides…

_Daddy's calling you._

\----

He doesn't like Warren the way you like Warren.

Daddy says you can't speak to him anymore.

So you don't.

For months, you don't speak to Warren. You try to rehearse it in your brain that it's all okay. It's like a mantra these days.

**These horrible, bad days…………**

\----

_What is he doing to you?_

_Are you really okay?_

Warren's words bounce in your head as Daddy finishes himself off inside of you.

I don't know.

You don't know.

But you do know, in the back of your mind, as you got older…

_This isn't okay._

He's not suppose to be doing this to you.

It's not only against the law, but it's absolutely disgusting. Your relationship with this grown man is both unhealthy and sick.

You shouldn't be calling him Daddy. No matter how much you want it, he's not your father. It's not how the world works.

You didn't murder her. You didn't overdose her. He blamed you. The man inside you, taking you, is twisting the story to keep you in his hands, literally and figuratively.

The way he touch you isn't okay.

The way he let's you taste him isn't okay.

This isn't _love_.

You're a victim, no matter how hard you're trying to not think about it.

But at the same time, you're just as bad as he is.

No one likes you. They all truly see you as trouble. Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't.

But one things for certain --

You don't deserve help.

So as you pull up your pants and walk out the Dark Room, take this as a good day. You're not thinking about it, so it never happened.

You're gonna be fine. You know the truth now so you're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be perfectly fine.

\----

You're not fine.

You're not fine. Oh god _please_ , someone help.

Your throat feels caught so you can't say any of this out loud.

You're going to be killed.

He's looking for you and there's nothing you can do to stop him. Every second that ticks by, your breathing become shallower and shallower. But he's going to make sure you die by his hands, not by suffocating.

You're going to be killed by him.

You followed in his footprints, throwing everything that was you to be more like him and he's coming to kill you.

You had sex with him countless of times before you were even legal and he's coming to kill you.

You created a wedge in between you and Warren, someone you actually liked, for someone you called _Daddy_ and he's coming to kill you.

You pick up your phone and you press random keys, not even feeling the cold hard surface of the screen. Your heart is racing so much that you feel like your very being isn't inside your body anymore. It's all mechanical now.

You realized you're calling Max. She doesn't answer the phone, so she'll get this later.

You don't know why you just won't hang up and try and call someone who'll pick up, but you have no control over your body anymore. It's his, you think. I don't own anything.

You don't tell her how you're feeling. (Or at least, you don't think so.......)

You don't tell her how scared you are. (Or at least, you don't.......What's going on again?)

You do tell her, however, that you're sorry.

You're sorry that everything happened the way it did. It was all your fault and there's no way you can make it up to everyone.

_Everyone... **used** me._

And now he's coming to kill me.

Like he should.

Because today is one of those bad days, and you don't have the strength to do it yourself.

You don't smile when he's now in front of you, with a gun.

He asks you if you had any last words before he shot you. What's wrong with you runs way too deep to try to redeem yourself with silly things like last words before death, so you shake your head no.

You think of Warren, though. And how warm he was sitting next to you. How bubbly he makes you feel when he cracks a lame joke. And how he --

**Author's Note:**

> On a lighter note, for christmas I got a telescope. :)


End file.
